so what's the reason...

I feel as though I have always understood that missionary calls are divinely inspired. I understand that each missionary is assigned to the mission that they are truly meant to be in. In a talk given in the 2010 General Conference Priesthood session, Elder Rasband spoke on the process in which calls are made.

"I joined Elder Eyring early one morning in a room where several large computer screens had been prepared for the session. There was also a staff member from the Missionary Department who had been assigned to assist us that day.

First, we knelt together in prayer. I remember Elder Eyring using very sincere words, asking the Lord to bless him to know “perfectly” where the missionaries should be assigned. The word “perfectly” said much about the faith that Elder Eyring exhibited that day.

As the process began, a picture of the missionary to be assigned would come up on one of the computer screens. As each picture appeared, to me it was as if the missionary were in the room with us. Elder Eyring would then greet the missionary with his kind and endearing voice: “Good morning, Elder Reier or Sister Yang. How are you today?”

He told me that in his own mind he liked to think of where the missionaries would conclude their mission. This would aid him to know where they were to be assigned. Elder Eyring would then study the comments from the bishops and stake presidents, medical notes, and other issues relating to each missionary.

He then referred to another screen which displayed areas and missions across the world. Finally, as he was prompted by the Spirit, he would assign the missionary to his or her field of labor.

From others of the Twelve, I have learned that this general method is typical each week as Apostles of the Lord assign scores of missionaries to serve throughout the world." (The Divine Call of a Missionary Ronald A. Rasband)


This quote only served to reiterate what I have always known: Each and every call is divinely inspired from God.

Now having said that, I was completely caught off guard by my own emotions towards my mission call. Don't get me wrong, I felt the spirit so strong and I know that my assignment to serve in New Zealand is truly from God. However, I have to ask myself  "Why am I supposed to go to New Zealand?" and "What do I have to offer to the people of Auckland?". I guess its not that I am questioning whether or not this call is from God, but I am trying to figure out the reason behind it. There is a reason or a person that is responsible for my assignment to New Zealand, I just need to be prepared so when the moment comes I can fulfill my purpose. Wow that is a lot of pressure! It's a good thing I guess that I have FOREVER to prepare. :)

And so it begins...

Well to say that it has been forever would be a gross understatement. I had a goal of writing consistently but to be perfectly honest, I have had to make some very hard decisions since my last post over two months ago and it has taken me this long to be able to write them. I also have AMAZING news! But more of that later. First, onto the hard stuff.

So I previously mentioned that I was planning on finally going to college and to say that I was excited wouldn't even begin to cover it. However, life (or my loving Heavenly Father) threw me a curve ball. As I was filling out my mission papers and things were falling into place there, my college plans were falling apart. (one of the big things was the money that I had saved to cover my housing cost had to be used to cover the expenses of having my wisdom teeth pulled so that I could go on a mission.) I began to seriously question whether or not I was meant to attend college. Well, I say that I was questioning it, when in reality I had already made the decision that I was going to go no matter what. However, there was always something in the back of my mind nagging at me to consider staying home. After a while I voiced my concerns to my parents and they told me to be prayerful, but that this was a decision that I had to make on my own. I have always been taught that when approaching the Lord for help you need to have already made a decision and then ask for approval - you have to meet him half way. Anyways I prayed and prayed asking flat out whether or not I should leave for college, but I never received my answer. I finally resolved that I wasn't getting an answer because I was not approaching him with a decision. During this struggle, my loving and dear Bishop called me in to talk about this situation. Now my Bishop is a HUGE advocate of leaving the nest and cutting the cord so I was surprised that he seemed to counsel me more about the advantages of staying home verses leaving. Its funny now though, when I recall my thoughts as he was speaking to me, I thought in my mind "It doesn't really matter Bishop, I have already decided to leave." He then proceeded to tell me that he already knew what I would do and that he was going to write it down, lock it in his desk, and wait for me to come back and tell him my decision. Well a few nights later I decided that I couldn't take the anxiety any more and that it was time to make a decision. Now this is where it gets a little tricky to explain and you'll just have to try to understand where I am coming from. So like I said one night I just couldn't take it anymore. I sat down and made a list of the pro's and con's to staying and leaving. (and may I say that the pro's of leaving outnumbered those staying, but the pro's of staying seemed greater in magnitude) Finally after all the torment I had been experiencing I said out loud to myself  "I AM GOING TO COLLEGE!" Then I humbly got on my knee's and placed my decision before the Lord. I was expecting to feel immediate relief because the decision had been made but sadly the feeling of severe anxiety only increased. Me, being the stubborn person that I am, believed that I had made the right decision but that I was just nervous to leave home. Well having said that, I did not sleep at all that night. I can only describe the feeling I had as a sense of urgent anxiety or severe nervousness. When I awoke the next morning, I was still plagued by this awful feeling. I then figured I'd read my scriptures and feeling will go away, but it didn't. In fact it only multiplied. This was a difficult situation for me because I had never read the scriptures and felt that way I did; and to be quite honest it scarred me. Out of desperation, I said out loud "Heavenly Father I am leaving for school" and it was like a stampede was released in my stomach. I knew then what the answer was but for a time I refused to believe it. I wouldn't say it out loud. I tried desperately to read my scriptures harder but things just got worse. Again I repeated "I am going to school" and I suffered the same result. Finally I said the words I told myself I would not say. I spoke the phrase "I need to stay home." At the very moment the words were out of my mouth, I was filled with an undeniable peace. To test it one more time I said "I am leaving." And again that horrible anxiety rushed into my stomach. "I am staying." I said for the final time and again the peace returned and I was filled with the conformation that I was meant to stay here an prepare for my mission. Now the heartbreak that ensued was almost as unbearable as the anxiety. Almost. Although I was devastated that I couldn't leave for school, I couldn't deny what I had felt. I knew that I needed to stay. I only moped for about a week and part of it was the reality that my best friend  would soon leave me for the very place that I wasn't able to go (we were supposed to be roommates...). But like I said I was still filled with the comfort that I was doing what was right. It is still hard sometimes being stuck here but I'm enjoying the last precious time that I have with my family.

Well that's the hard stuff and this is the good stuff (and some more hard stuff). So my mission papers were submitted to Salt Lake on December 19 meaning the calculated date that I should get them would be January 12. Sadly however, on the 5th of January (a week before my papers were supposed to arrive) I got a call from mission head-quarters. The lady I spoke with asked me if I had any history of heart conditions. She said that they were worried because my pulse rate was too high. In a panic I called my doctor to figure out what was going on. But because I was so nervous, I asked for my blood pressure and not my pulse rate. Anyways long story short I felt like and idiot when I told her my blood pressure. Then I felt like a bigger idiot when I had to check my own pulse with the lady on the phone. It was the longest minute of my life. But all was well, my pulse was normal, and the lady determined that it must have just been a typo. Although we had the problem resolved, it pretty much guaranteed that my papers wouldn't come on time. I then anxiously waited for the next Thursday, hopeful that my call would arrive. Our mail comes at 3:00 o'clock in the afternoon and that Thursday morning felt like centuries. Now imagine my disappointment when I opened the mail and it was empty. My mom then proceeded to tell me that my uncle who is a mail man had said there was a mail truck that had broken down somewhere and he believed that my call was on it. As sad as I was, I was still very hopeful that it would come the next day. To my relief, my mother woke me up the next morning, Friday the 18th, and explained that my uncle had called and said that my letter was waiting for me in the post office. I was elated! Once I finally had the letter, we decided to open it later that night when all my family and friends could get together. Back story time: during the weeks after I had made the decision to stay home and as I was waiting for my call, the thought occurred to me that maybe I couldn't go to school because I was going to be called to serve in Idaho. Now as great as Idaho probably is, it was the LAST place I wanted to be called. Anyways, that night we gathered at my grandma's house in her sun-room and I opened my call. Here is a video because I am not sure words could quite do this moment justice.

That's right I pretty much am called to serve in the the coolest place on earth and I am beyond excited. I report to the Provo MTC on May 15, 2013 and that is currently 92 days away. (it feels like FOREVER!) So I am just continuing to prepare and get ready. Time is moving so slow but I know I can make it through somehow.

I promise from here to when I enter the MTC to write as often as I can about my journey to the MTC and to my mission. Perhaps writing will help the time pass :)

And so begins my future as a missionary and my future as an adult...

it's all for the mission...

One of the worst feelings in the world is the one you have when waking up from anesthesia. Trust me I know! After my knee surgery I promised myself that I would never have surgery/have to be put under anesthesia again. Sadly however, here I am only six months later and I find myself preparing for another surgery. Don't worry, it's nothing too serious, just your typical wisdom teeth removal. Yes, tomorrow I have to have all four of my wisdom teeth removed. About a year ago, at one of my dental checkups, a panoramic x-ray confirmed that my wisdom teeth were impacted and that they would need to be removed eventually. I thought that I would be able to put it off as long as I could. I was wrong again! Now due to my mission papers, my teeth needed to be pulled ASAP and that happens to be tomorrow. The odd part is I don't know what I am dreading more: the feeling I am going to have when I wake up or the pain that I am going to have for the next week. Let me just say that on a scale of 1-10 my pain tolerance is maybe at the most a 0.1. (Aren't you glad you aren't my mother?) I keep telling myself that this is for the mission and that is the only thing getting me through.

On a side note: This happens to be the last step in the process of filling out my papers! All appears to be right on schedule and if everything works out, I could have my call before December is over. Who could have ever guessed?

and now the future is bright...

Well I am not even sure where to begin. First of all I would like to explain that I in no way expect anyone to read this. It is a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings for my own personal benefit. I have tried many times to write in a journal for the same purposes but I always seem to lose interest or come up with an excuse of why NOT to write something. So here I am trying something new.

Anyways let me explain something. From the time I was a little girl, I had a plan for my life.

1.      Graduate from high school with good grades

2.      Get into and attend Brigham Young University Idaho

3.      Leave for college the fall after graduation (isn't that how it is supposed to work?)

4.      Finish three years of school and then at 21 serve a full time mission

5.      Hopefully get married in the temple (I say hopefully because I understand getting married may not happen for me, but if it does, it will DEFFINATLY be in the temple)

6.      Be a mother/have a family (I also understand that this part of MY plan may not be a part of my heavenly father's plan for me. It also obviously won't happen if #6 doesn't happen)

7.      Live a life that I, and my savior can be proud of

Well by now, since I graduated from high school in May, you would expect that I would be right on track with my plan. I should have my first semester at BYU-I almost finished and two and a half years to prepare for my mission. Well actually, this is not the case. For the past six months, I have been enduring a small trial and I have to admit, it has taken a lot out of me. On April 12, 2012 (this happened to be my eighteenth birthday) I was in the Jemez Mountains just outside of Santé Fe on a choir trip when I trip as I was running down a small hill and tore my ACL. Actually I completely severed it and had a deep bone bruise and blood clot all from tripping. Now I am sure you are thinking "Wow what an idiot" and man you couldn't be more right. Anyways, I was told by my orthopedic surgeon that I was going to have to have surgery to repair my knee. Based on the fact that it was the middle of April when this happed and because it wasn't a life threatening injury I elected to wait until after graduation to have my surgery. So I graduated with honors on May 22, 2012 and completed step #1 of my life plan. The two days later I underwent reconstructive surgery to repair my ACL. Now back to my life plan. I was well on my way to attending BYU-I (I know its life goal #2, but I actually was accepted back in February). Anyways I was assigned the fall/spring track at BYU-I (They run on a three "track” system, meaning they are in session for three separate semesters and each student is assigned to attend two of them.) So I was set to begin college in September. Now I said above that my knee injury was not life threatening but it was however LIFE ALTERING. Throughout the summer, while preparing to go to school, I was also trying to heal my knee. I had to endure weeks and weeks of physical therapy sessions in order to fix all of the damage that had been done. Now I am not going to say much about my physical therapy experience except it was the most painful experience of my life. Now, like I said before, I was preparing to leave for college and I felt as though I was progressing not only through my life plan, but through life itself. Then out of nowhere the bomb dropped. It was during one of my grueling physical therapy sessions when my therapist said that my knee wasn't healing right, I had scare tissue build up that was causing my knee cap to not stay in place, and that I was going to need quite a bit more therapy. He said that we needed to begin looking for therapy places in Rexburg. I was devastated because I didn't want to go to college and still have to deal with this injury. Then the devastation only deepened when my parents told me that our health insurance wouldn't cover physical therapy in Idaho. This left me with one thing to do. I had to submit a "medical deferment" to BYU-I saying I would not be healthy enough to attend the fall semester. Now from here I had two options: 1. wait until April and attend my next assigned semester or 2. Submit an appeal to the BYU-I board appeals asking them to allow me to attend as a full-time student in January. I decided on option #2 because I was dying to go to college and I hoped and prayed they would accept my appeal and they DID. I was so happy I cried. So a new plan was set.

1.      I would attend BYU-I in January 2013

2.      Finish two years of school and then at 21 serve a full time mission

3.      - 6. Rmained the same.

After all of this mess, I just had an over whelming feeling that my progression has stop and the feeling left me with a sickening feeling. In the LDS church, a major theme is that we are put on this earth to learn and progress towards becoming the best versions of ourselves. So this feeling of not moving forward was a devastating one. In my mind I knew that I would eventually go to college and that my progression would continue. I went two months feeling this way and I kept telling myself as the time to leave for school drew nearer, the feeling would begin to diminish. But as time went on, the anxiety within only grew. Little did I know that I was just being prepared for a LIFE ALTERING announcement that would in all reality set me back on the path of progression.

On Saturday October 6th, 2012 Thomas S. Monson announced that the missionary age for women had been changed from 21 to 19. The moment I heard this, the awful feeling that I was no longer progressing left me and I was able to see the bright future that lay ahead of me. Now time for some backstory: I guess all of my life I have known that I would serve a mission. There was a time at about the age of five or six I got scared and tried to deny this knowledge, but never the less I knew that I would serve a full-time mission. However, along with this knowledge, I also knew something frankly too personal to share now (maybe I'll tell you in the future) but it seemed as though both of these "things" would never be able to happen together. A simpler way to explain it would be if I went on a mission the other thing probably couldn’t happen or if the other thing I knew were to happen, then I couldn't serve a mission. Now you can somewhat see how this battle of information was constantly at odds within my head.(Just to clarify the other thing that I know may happen is a very good thing, I just can't talk about it now). Now switch back to October 6th. and the moment I heard the announcement, not only did I feel as though my progression had begun again, the two warring pieces of knowledge that I had held in no longer looked like two separate competing pieces of my life that I had to choose between, they now appeared as two pieces of the puzzle tightly locked together to create a portion of my life. I also realized that during the past few months my progression hadn't stopped because I wasn't going to college; actually it hadn't stopped at all. I was just being prepared so when that announcement was made, I was able to know with a certainty that this was what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do.

So now here i am on the 2nd of December with my mission papers completed and waiting for submission and preparing to go to one semester of college, and then leave on my mission. I guess I have learned through all of this that we can make a plan for our live, but it’s not our plan that matters, it’s our Heavenly Fathers. I am now contemplating whether I should go to school or if it would be better to remain at home a couple more months and work, and save to pay for my mission. I guess I will see what lies ahead because so far, it’s been pretty interesting!