Well I am
not even sure where to begin. First of all I would like to explain that I in no
way expect anyone to read this. It is a place for me to write my thoughts and
feelings for my own personal benefit. I have tried many times to write in a
journal for the same purposes but I always seem to lose interest or come up
with an excuse of why NOT to write something. So here I am trying something
new.
Anyways
let me explain something. From the time I was a little girl, I had a plan for
my life.
1. Graduate from high school with
good grades
2. Get into and attend Brigham Young
University Idaho
3. Leave for college the fall after
graduation (isn't that how it is supposed to work?)
4. Finish three years of school and
then at 21 serve a full time mission
5. Hopefully get married in the
temple (I say hopefully because I understand getting married may not happen for
me, but if it does, it will DEFFINATLY be in the temple)
6. Be a mother/have a family (I also
understand that this part of MY plan may not be a part of my heavenly father's
plan for me. It also obviously won't happen if #6 doesn't happen)
7. Live a life that I, and my savior
can be proud of
Well by
now, since I graduated from high school in May, you would expect that I would
be right on track with my plan. I should have my first semester at BYU-I almost
finished and two and a half years to prepare for my mission. Well actually,
this is not the case. For the past six months, I have been enduring a small
trial and I have to admit, it has taken a lot out of me. On April 12, 2012
(this happened to be my eighteenth birthday) I was in the Jemez Mountains just
outside of Santé Fe on a choir trip when I trip as I was running down a small
hill and tore my ACL. Actually I completely severed it and had a deep bone bruise
and blood clot all from tripping. Now I am sure you are thinking "Wow what
an idiot" and man you couldn't be more right. Anyways, I was told by my
orthopedic surgeon that I was going to have to have surgery to repair my knee. Based
on the fact that it was the middle of April when this happed and because it
wasn't a life threatening injury I elected to wait until after graduation to
have my surgery. So I graduated with honors on May 22, 2012 and completed step
#1 of my life plan. The two days later I underwent reconstructive surgery to repair
my ACL. Now back to my life plan. I was well on my way to attending BYU-I (I
know its life goal #2, but I actually was accepted back in February). Anyways I
was assigned the fall/spring track at BYU-I (They run on a three "track”
system, meaning they are in session for three separate semesters and each
student is assigned to attend two of them.) So I was set to begin college in
September. Now I said above that my knee injury was not life threatening but it
was however LIFE ALTERING. Throughout the summer, while preparing to go to
school, I was also trying to heal my knee. I had to endure weeks and weeks of
physical therapy sessions in order to fix all of the damage that had been done.
Now I am not going to say much about my physical therapy experience except it
was the most painful experience of my life. Now, like I said before, I was
preparing to leave for college and I felt as though I was progressing not only
through my life plan, but through life itself. Then out of nowhere the bomb
dropped. It was during one of my grueling physical therapy sessions when my
therapist said that my knee wasn't healing right, I had scare tissue build up
that was causing my knee cap to not stay in place, and that I was going to need
quite a bit more therapy. He said that we needed to begin looking for therapy
places in Rexburg. I was devastated because I didn't want to go to college and
still have to deal with this injury. Then the devastation only deepened when my
parents told me that our health insurance wouldn't cover physical therapy in
Idaho. This left me with one thing to do. I had to submit a "medical
deferment" to BYU-I saying I would not be healthy enough to attend the
fall semester. Now from here I had two options: 1. wait until April and attend
my next assigned semester or 2. Submit an appeal to the BYU-I board appeals
asking them to allow me to attend as a full-time student in January. I decided
on option #2 because I was dying to go to college and I hoped and prayed they
would accept my appeal and they DID. I was so happy I cried. So a new plan was
set.
1. I would attend BYU-I in January
2013
2. Finish two years of school
and then at 21 serve a full time mission
3. - 6. Rmained the same.
After all
of this mess, I just had an over whelming feeling that my progression has stop
and the feeling left me with a sickening feeling. In the LDS church, a major
theme is that we are put on this earth to learn and progress towards becoming
the best versions of ourselves. So this feeling of not moving forward was a devastating
one. In my mind I knew that I would eventually go to college and that my
progression would continue. I went two months feeling this way and I kept
telling myself as the time to leave for school drew nearer, the feeling would
begin to diminish. But as time went on, the anxiety within only grew. Little
did I know that I was just being prepared for a LIFE ALTERING announcement that
would in all reality set me back on the path of progression.
On
Saturday October 6th, 2012 Thomas S. Monson announced that the missionary age
for women had been changed from 21 to 19. The moment I heard this, the awful
feeling that I was no longer progressing left me and I was able to see the
bright future that lay ahead of me. Now time for some backstory: I guess all of
my life I have known that I would serve a mission. There was a time at about
the age of five or six I got scared and tried to deny this knowledge, but never
the less I knew that I would serve a full-time mission. However, along with this
knowledge, I also knew something frankly too personal to share now (maybe I'll
tell you in the future) but it seemed as though both of these
"things" would never be able to happen together. A simpler way to
explain it would be if I went on a mission the other thing probably couldn’t
happen or if the other thing I knew were to happen, then I couldn't serve a
mission. Now you can somewhat see how this battle of information was constantly
at odds within my head.(Just to clarify the other thing that I know may happen
is a very good thing, I just can't talk about it now). Now switch back to
October 6th. and the moment I heard the announcement, not only did I feel as
though my progression had begun again, the two warring pieces of knowledge that
I had held in no longer looked like two separate competing pieces of my life
that I had to choose between, they now appeared as two pieces of the puzzle
tightly locked together to create a portion of my life. I also realized that
during the past few months my progression hadn't stopped because I wasn't going
to college; actually it hadn't stopped at all. I was just being prepared so
when that announcement was made, I was able to know with a certainty that this
was what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do.
So now here i am on the 2nd of
December with my mission papers completed and waiting for submission and
preparing to go to one semester of college, and then leave on my mission. I
guess I have learned through all of this that we can make a plan for our live,
but it’s not our plan that matters, it’s our Heavenly Fathers. I am now
contemplating whether I should go to school or if it would be better to remain at
home a couple more months and work, and save to pay for my mission. I guess I
will see what lies ahead because so far, it’s been pretty interesting!
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